The myth of the perfect kid
I know a mother who seems to have the child every parent dreams of having. He's extraordinarily bright - scored 270 for PSLE and got into a top secondary school. He's also an impressive all-rounder - head prefect of his primary school, represented the school in his CCA and is now in the water polo team of his secondary school. Added to that, he's a very upright, unassuming and down to earth kid. When I expressed admiration to his mother, she confided in me that he is a procrastinator and she has to nag at him to do his homework.
Have you ever encountered this? We meet kids who appear so bright, motivated, charismatic and 100 other superlatives compared to our own. Yet when we speak to their parents, they often seem surprised and have some criticism to offer about their kids. I find it happens with me too. Eg, Lilian always admires Lesley-Anne and I, on the other hand, think her Brian is a mother's dream.
Could it be that there's an epidemic of false modesty? Sure, some parents are transparently fake - they pretend to dismiss their kids' achievements but they're actually loving the attention. But I know that's not true of the mother I cited above, she's a very genuine person. I offer an alternative reason for this behaviour, ie we have come to pitch our standards against those of the imaginary perfect kid.
As parents, we see our kids everyday and we know that they dwaddle when it comes to revision. We have to remind them to do the simplest tasks like wash their hands or brush their teeth. They don't put their things away, they bicker endlessly with their siblings, etc. We see all their annoying little faults and therefore feel that any admiration for them is unjustified. Whereas with other kids, we generally only see the best parts that are on display in public, and we assume that they are the paragons of virtue at all times. So our own flawed kids inevitably fall short when measured against those ideal beings.
Here's the crux of the matter: the perfect kid is a myth, there's no such thing. Just as there are no perfect parents. A diamond is still a diamond, even if it is encrusted in dirt. So instead of wishing that the stone we have is as sparkling as the one in the showroom, let's work on polishing that diamond we have on our hands. And be grateful that we are blessed with such a gem.
Have you ever encountered this? We meet kids who appear so bright, motivated, charismatic and 100 other superlatives compared to our own. Yet when we speak to their parents, they often seem surprised and have some criticism to offer about their kids. I find it happens with me too. Eg, Lilian always admires Lesley-Anne and I, on the other hand, think her Brian is a mother's dream.
Could it be that there's an epidemic of false modesty? Sure, some parents are transparently fake - they pretend to dismiss their kids' achievements but they're actually loving the attention. But I know that's not true of the mother I cited above, she's a very genuine person. I offer an alternative reason for this behaviour, ie we have come to pitch our standards against those of the imaginary perfect kid.
As parents, we see our kids everyday and we know that they dwaddle when it comes to revision. We have to remind them to do the simplest tasks like wash their hands or brush their teeth. They don't put their things away, they bicker endlessly with their siblings, etc. We see all their annoying little faults and therefore feel that any admiration for them is unjustified. Whereas with other kids, we generally only see the best parts that are on display in public, and we assume that they are the paragons of virtue at all times. So our own flawed kids inevitably fall short when measured against those ideal beings.
Here's the crux of the matter: the perfect kid is a myth, there's no such thing. Just as there are no perfect parents. A diamond is still a diamond, even if it is encrusted in dirt. So instead of wishing that the stone we have is as sparkling as the one in the showroom, let's work on polishing that diamond we have on our hands. And be grateful that we are blessed with such a gem.
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