.

Both you and I know the time doesn't matter. As long as I breathe, I can remember, I'll fuck up any beautiful day.

You did pure science. I'm pretty.sure you know what's angina. It's a pain in the chest. Somedays I would think, maybe this is an imaginary pain. I used to have it so much each time I had arguments with wood. I never told him cuz I thought it was stupid and... Unexplainable.

Turned out it wasn't. Drama queen said she had it when she almost broke up with her boy. Wood too said he had it. Wood himself had it. It happens when you're crying yourself to sleep, while telling yourself to get over it, again and again and again. It also happens in the middle of chemistry class when the shits you've been through went flashing by your head. I wish I knew the biological explanation. Like what causes the pain? It's in the chest! Why? Does your heart really aches when you're mentally breaking into pieces??? It doesn't make sense.

After we broke up, it decreased. Still had it but it wasn't as frequent as that time. But these days I have it again. I had it just now right after I woke up, in my bed. I could just think of you and think of how bad I'm gonna die.

I think, yip man was the only consistent follower in this fucked up blog. I have no idea why, why? Don't my thoughts bore you out? Don't they make you feel like you're reading some fucked up mental problem human's dark speeches??? I thought about it and I made a conclusion. Maybe because you treasure our friendship and you care. But I'm gonna conclude that maybe I made you thought this negatively. Maybe I made you think the way I think... If that's really what happened, maybe I shouldn't even blog anymore. For your own good, you gotta stop reading it, and see if you can get better. For you too, moon. I can't just make someone as positive as you go to hell with me.

I'm crazy. I'm done with life. I'm gonna be very down at times, lots of time. You're gonna make me better, but you couldn't make it last. I have the ability to make your efforts go to waste. I have the ability to ignore any sweet stuff I receive and say "This isn't real, this is temporary." shake my head and run off. One day you'll be tired of running after me, you'll be tired of looking at my face. You'll be so tired you don't even want to hear or think about my name.

The world isn't that dark. This is what a failed relationship can make me. But moon, you're normal. You can find someone normal. You can find someone who knows how to appreciate you and love you like how you love her. I couldn't love you. I couldn't love anyone. I won't let myself and you understand that.

It's so hard to live. Look it's nine thirty in the morning. It's not 1am. Still, I can fuck myself up. I can screw up my day easily. Why make your life so hard? I'm gonna screw up over and over again, I can't even take care of my heart, how do I take care of yours? I couldn't. I really couldn't. I'm gonna unintentionally hurt you in many ways. And you're gonna keep it inside. One day you couldn't take it anymore, you'll explode, and you'll give up.

It hurts again. Haha fuck.

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