.

Honestly, when I ask myself, is it better this way? A year trying to be emotionless, I didn't success, I didn't fail too. I'm in between. I feel, but not a lot.

No, it's not better this way. It sucks. I miss that life I used to live. Even if it was painful, I miss that. That pain made me felt alive more than anything else. Of course there were good times, too. That dumb idiotic me was so alive, what happened?

Why suppress everything? Why restrain everything? To prevent bad shits from happening? No, they're inevitable. We can't prevent it. Even if we isolate ourselves, there'll be shits.

Listening to one song, one person singing a sad song made me reminisce. Is that a good thing? That guy is gone. I shouldn't be that cruel, but I guess it's the only way. Clean cuts are goos. At least he'll get over me easier. I wish he pretended to not give shit anymore, like how he used to hurt, cuz I don't feel that pain anymore. I wish he didn't realize he still wants to fix the relationship. I wish it ends the way I used to hate. Then I could look at him as the guy who abandoned me at my lowest point in life.

Those times, I waited. I waited, and I told myself how busy he is. How just wants me to wait. Of course, I blindly guessed. Up to this point I think I'm so dumb to be waiting for uncertained answers. At the end, I was right?

I didn't want it like this. The timing wasn't right. I just couldn't make things go the way I want. I wanted him, and he wanted me to fuck off. I leave, he wants me back. We stay friends, on and off, but it doesn't work. All my plans just fucked themselves, and they were never that smooth.

I want to conclude that being emotionless would be best, but ironically its the other way round.

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