.

Sometimes I thought stress might eat away my heart, and make me can't even play badminton properly. No that's not it. Badminton makes everything better. But, no that's not it.

Even at the happiest moment, I think about him. I think about him more these days, I don't know why. It's just lots of questions. How are you? Are you still always that sad because of me? Are you happy? Are you getting better?

When we wrap grips on our own... Wood used to wrap these for me so I don't have to learn.
When we played mix doubles... Wood used to cover me this much, I became a complete newbie.
When I have slight improvement... Wood used to say he thinks I won't improve, but look at me.
When we meet new people... Wood's gonna love to play with them, if we even stay friends.

It doesn't really make me depressed as fuck. But these are those thoughts, always there. Maybe because I recently dreamed of his mother, and him. I remember, he used to dislike LA. Even when I told him how it helped our family. Then his mom talked to him about it.
Did you tell her about us? How you feel, and how I'm reacting? Did you tell her everything?

I wonder if... Whether.... Why?

I can't shake away thoughts. I can just put them in my head, but that doesn't change the fact that they're always there in my head.

He was my first. The amount of... Everything I've gave him was just so much. So much and now I have nothing to give anyone else. I think I can't be with anyone anymore. I literally told moon to give up on me. He didn't, and we have a deal.

Sometimes I think I have complicated thoughts. Then sometimes, I think I'm actually very simple. I do what I want, I shoo whatever I don't want. But then. Is that it? Did I? I shooed wood away, even when he always occupies my mind. I shoo moon away when I do like him but maybe not enough to be with him. When I get really happy, I start to make myself sad by thinking bout sad stuff, making it all shitty again. Like what's happening now. When life is going fine, and I've released lots of shit stress from studies, I start to question this, question that.

At the end it drains all my energy.

Idk what's with me. But when everything's right, everything's definitely not right. Like it's not possible to be great. Life wants to kill us all. It wants us to be happy, then one day, take everything away, and make us empty. Yeah that's me. I'm back.

Don't get too happy. Just don't. The voices never leave. Yep they're back too. They were gone for a short while, but they're back now.

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