.

Sometimes, certain lyric hits me hard. Then I'd rethink everything again. He broke me. I broke him back. I might break another him. I'm gonna break them both. Then break myself. What shit is wrong with me.

Sometimes I wish I'm extremely extremely ugly as fuck and don't even have passion towards anything, so I wouldn't fall for anyone, and no one would fall for me.

To me, humans with passion would be the most attractive ones. I think that's how people fall for each other. Maybe it's just me. But really. Even humans with weird passion could be really attractive.

(I'm saying this like I'm not a human lol)

It's inevitable, right? As long as we live, we break people, or we let them break us. So I just have to choose.

All this time, me convincing my shitty self to not have feelings.... Did I succeed?? Definitely nope. Just because I don't wanna admit it, doesn't meant that it's not happening.

I know I'm a bitch. I gave you this, this much hope. I accepted the way you treat me nice. In return, I gave you this special treatment.

I know I'm a bitch. I was overfriendly. I was really wrong. And there's no turning back.

I think one day I would accept you. I think.
But that doesn't make my current actions non-bitchy.

As long as I'm not ready, I shouldn't do this, I shouldn't do that. I should keep my distance, and make you keep yours. We should keep distance.

I think it's very reasonable, right?

It's good for you and me.
I know you'll always be there for me. I'd be there for you, too. But. This distance is a must.

You need more time to take a good view about me. Am I what you really want? Can you stand my shitty shits? Can you accept me being stubborn as fuck? Can you live with my crazy insecurities and doubts? Would you stay if I tell you to leave?

Because no matter what, I'd be okay to be alone. My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with. I'd always tell myself that you're gonna leave. I'm gonna do that for the rest of my life. To reduce the pain. One is enough to almost kill me. Responsibilities are dragging me away from death. You know. If it wasn't them, I'd be dead long ago. Like a year and a half ago. I lived like this, and you fall for me when I'm like this.

I'm surprised you didn't leave when you found out how I think. How much shits I have in my head. I'd go crazy. And you still want me. I'm gonna ask you the same question from time to time. Are you sure? Are you sure you can handle my bullshit? Cuz I can't, I'm gonna have mental breakdowns occasionally. I'm gonna go crazy from time to time, I'm gonna make myself go insane and insist telling you to give up.

I'm reallllyy sorry...

We start life as a soft mushy thing.
And then when we get pelted with rejection,
We transform into a tough unfeeling and a highly efficient robot
Piloted by a soft mushy thing.

That soft mushy thing inside would always think, and think, reprogram all the self defense system, to stay alive, stay safe...

But it's still that painful.

What do I do?

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