.

People come and go, things change. So easily. I know what can change you. When you're left alone to make assumptions without any answers, that's gonna make you go mad.

"I'll always be here, waiting for you to return."
"No.... I gave up, so please, leave."
Two completely different things.

One year is enough for me to develop some thoughts. Some that helped me gone through hell. Some that prevented me from straight killing myself. I have my conclusions, I have things that my mind sets myself out to do for sure.

I don't know how to love anyone. I'm a loner. I'm perfect being alone. I can be your friend, your bro, but not THAT. I don't know how to love. I felt like I do know how to love, but just temporary. I will love for a while, then let go. The feelings stop very soon. Just like that.

I can't let them in. I can't let him in. I'll make his life so miserable because of my stupid brain that went.... mad. I don't even like him enough to be with him, look at what he did for me. Isn't that enough? What is wrong with me? Being touched aren't equivalent to falling for someone. I'm touched from what my sister did for me. I'm touched from half blood that brought me Japanese tipbits. I'm touched that Loong took glass by glass when I was off. I'm touched when wood still cares, and offers to meet up just because of my shitty self is needing help again. I'm touched, that you came straight to my house knowing I have millions of mental breakdowns in my head. It does not meant that I'm falling for these people. I love them all. Am I a player? Or I simply see you peeps as my best friends???

When someone's after you, and you have no faith in yourself. Do you waste the other's life by giving him hope? And there's no clue about whether it will happen or not. Do you do that? I'm dead. I can't do that. Day by day, the voices tell me. End it before he does too much for you. End it before it's too late for him. End it, cuz you don't want to give false hope like that. End it, because you do prefer if he stays a great friend.

It does hurt. Kicking someone important away.
It does hurt. Because he might just leave forever.
It does hurt when I know I'm gonna hurt him.

But what can I do? Hurt you for four years while killing myself at the same time? Or live a shorter time to see how things go?????? Am I unreasonable for wanting it shorter? Or should I enjoy the love you give while I'm still stuck here???? What should I do!?

I can't do this! I can't just take and take and take all that effort you gave! I can't do that. I will be your friend. I can talk to you. I can try to cheer you up. But I don't want to... I'm stuck here, moon. I don't have the ability to romanticize things. I can't imagine me kissing you. I can't imagine me wanting a future with you. I just enjoy being your badminton buddy... Isn't badminton buddy good enough? Why more? Why do you want more?

For hours, Im sitting here, and I'm thinking. Over and over. I can't do this. I'm very sorry. I tried, and I can't. I don't know what to do. I don't know how. I'm going crazy. You've done too much. It would be easier if you didn't do so much. But you already did.

I feel like all these stuff are pushing me to the edge. Like it's suffocating. Like everyday when I woke up it's gonna be like this. I'm in this big mess that I can never get out if I don't make things right. I need to make things right. I can't take this. I just wanna drink and jump off a building. Just stop.

Stop. Please. You wouldn't understand me. I know. I know you've did a lot to me. But look. You're falling for someone who's dying inside. Don't. Can you just... Find someone lovable? I have shitty attitude. My mind fucks around. I hate myself. I hate life. And you, you don't need this amount of shit. You don't want me. Please be good to yourself, and think about it.

Think about why I want you to let go. Think about what would happen if you let go. Better opportunities. And you wouldn't have this shit to comfort from time to time...

I'm very fucked up, you see. I need a night out. I need that. Right now.

You have no idea how many nights it had been lingering in my head. You have no idea how crazy it's making me. But I know. It's completely my fault. I shouldn't have done a lot of things. I shouldn't have worried to death when you were just late. I shouldn't give a damn, so you wouldn't fall for me.

Share this post