.

Wood used to read my whatsapp statuses so often, so so often because I changed it often.

Sometimes I put a fullstop, wood would think I'd want to end the relationship with him. Dummy. Why would I wanna end that?? Hah.

I used to put a line in front of each status.

"I<3cjw"
Let's say I'm gonna put "the carrots are cooked"
I'd put "I<3cjw the carrots are cooked"

Now I can't even see his status.

I loved to be with someone. With him. I used to love being in a relationship. I used to love everything I did, we did together. I loved being always full of hope. I remember when my old part time art teacher, dart told me, that it wouldn't last. And I didn't believe him! I said, I insisted, he was different. He's not like other boys. He's serious in this. I'm serious too. Then we had a bet. He said he'd throw a party up to 1k, for me if we're still together after ten years.

He won. Haha. He won. I used to think a lot of things differently. I don't see a problem with me not believing fairytales. I don't find anything wrong for loving to be alone right now. That flame died, okay?? It died long ago after I decided to really give up on him. It died along with the hope of me and him that would still stand strong together. I have no hope. Okay?? 

It was so hard. To live like that. Why, is it my fault for hating how shits went? I'd prevent shits! For anything! I don't have hope anymore, and you can't do anything about it. I cant do anything about it. Okay??

No matter what happens. You can try to come into my life. I'd push everyone back out. I thought I can let you in. But can I? Day by day. Is it getting better? The voices, what happened to the voices? They dont even need to be loud to make me do things. I'd do what I have to, and that includes staying alone.

I need to be alone. I hate being insecured. I hate knowing the fact that anyone could just say this then change in five minutes ffs. I don't like anyone. No, I like you. But it's just not there. Not the kind.

I don't think that kind would even happen anymore. Do you understand me? It's not you. It's me. If you have a problem with that, leave. Let the shits flow? What, flow thru my head, repeatedly, again and again? Maybe you can do that. But I can't.

Suddenly I realized why. Why wood wouldn't let me go to sleep being upset. He wouldn't let me, because he knew. He knew how fucked up my head was even when I wasn't this fucked up like right now. 

Whatever. He's gone.

Okay? He's gone. Yh, he's gone.

There's no point realizing things, recalling bout things. He's toxic.

Sometimes I'd like to say, he fucking killed the flame! Then... It's not his fault. I was hard to be with, still am. I'm a piece of shit. So duh of course he'd get fed up handling my shit. He didn't kill the flame.

I did.

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