Maybe
Honestly!
I pictured everything. I imagined myself fail A levels, then I proceed to something else. Art? Music? I can do those too. I can teach. I can play ok. I had a tiny 2nd runner up from a past guitar competition, I can do that again. I can't badminton well, but I throw shuttlecocks well. Maybe, there's a huge range of possibilities. Maybe I can play, but I couldn't handle stage fright well, even if I've been on stage since very young. Maybe I could overcome this stage fright? Maybe one day, I could be in the court without my head full of self-doubts.
I also, pictured myself passing it well. Maybe I'm gonna get an average result for A levels, then get a scary degree, maybe I'm gonna end up homeless. Maybe I can get a job which allows me to have a very not-luxurious life, so what? Maybe, maybe I'm gonna improve badminton, then make part of a living by helping my coach like how arrogant did. I'm not that bad after all, I can handle kids, I guess. Maybe, I'm gonna get a degree, then at the same time, I continue music. Maybe get a part time job by going for gigs, caroling, those stuff. No matter what, as long as I eat low-class meals, I will survive. Right?
Why do I care? Tbh, for someone like me... who wanted to die so badly, why do I care?
Maybe two months can make a miracle in my studies.
Maybe four years can make me learn to love again.
I pictured myself being with moon. But I couldn't picture much cuz... I don't know why. Maybe because my current thoughts are just stucked there. Like still believe I could be so much happier alone. Or maybe we'd be happy together. But no, not yet. Couldn't picture it yet. Maybe it'll change within four years?
I pictured myself running back to wood. There's so many possibilities. I'd leave him, because I loved the him before he did that. Maybe I'd be so wood-phobic I become so careful, and I couldn't live peacefully for the rest of my life. Maybe I'd become dumb again, then lose myself, then do everything and let myself die all over again. I'm already careful.
I don't know.
I love bio. Occasionally am interested in chem too. I love that I could do things easily in music. As in, I'm not that slow. I love violin. I love so many things. I can definitely survive.
I loved hugs. I loved holding hands. I loved being loved.
Did I ? Or still do?
Fear of failing wouldn't make me give up. I'd feel like giving up, so many times, but I definitely won't. I mean c'mon! It's life, nothing's gonna be easy.
I pictured everything. I imagined myself fail A levels, then I proceed to something else. Art? Music? I can do those too. I can teach. I can play ok. I had a tiny 2nd runner up from a past guitar competition, I can do that again. I can't badminton well, but I throw shuttlecocks well. Maybe, there's a huge range of possibilities. Maybe I can play, but I couldn't handle stage fright well, even if I've been on stage since very young. Maybe I could overcome this stage fright? Maybe one day, I could be in the court without my head full of self-doubts.
I also, pictured myself passing it well. Maybe I'm gonna get an average result for A levels, then get a scary degree, maybe I'm gonna end up homeless. Maybe I can get a job which allows me to have a very not-luxurious life, so what? Maybe, maybe I'm gonna improve badminton, then make part of a living by helping my coach like how arrogant did. I'm not that bad after all, I can handle kids, I guess. Maybe, I'm gonna get a degree, then at the same time, I continue music. Maybe get a part time job by going for gigs, caroling, those stuff. No matter what, as long as I eat low-class meals, I will survive. Right?
Why do I care? Tbh, for someone like me... who wanted to die so badly, why do I care?
Maybe two months can make a miracle in my studies.
Maybe four years can make me learn to love again.
I pictured myself being with moon. But I couldn't picture much cuz... I don't know why. Maybe because my current thoughts are just stucked there. Like still believe I could be so much happier alone. Or maybe we'd be happy together. But no, not yet. Couldn't picture it yet. Maybe it'll change within four years?
I pictured myself running back to wood. There's so many possibilities. I'd leave him, because I loved the him before he did that. Maybe I'd be so wood-phobic I become so careful, and I couldn't live peacefully for the rest of my life. Maybe I'd become dumb again, then lose myself, then do everything and let myself die all over again. I'm already careful.
I don't know.
I love bio. Occasionally am interested in chem too. I love that I could do things easily in music. As in, I'm not that slow. I love violin. I love so many things. I can definitely survive.
I loved hugs. I loved holding hands. I loved being loved.
Did I ? Or still do?
Fear of failing wouldn't make me give up. I'd feel like giving up, so many times, but I definitely won't. I mean c'mon! It's life, nothing's gonna be easy.
How about that thing towards people?
Maybe Wood's got better. Maybe. Cuz when I expect his name.to never show up in my notification, he showed. I'm neutral about it.
Maybe one day I could stop worrying about things. Cuz I'm gonna work harder, and give everything. Maybe I should just stop being so afraid of everything, and push to the max to avoid regrets.
I used to think, if I love you, you love me, everything else wouldn't matter. Cuz we'd both change to tolerate each other, and fix anything that stands in our way.
Well suddenly I started restraining myself. Moon's tryna get me. Sometimes, being with him, I'd think, why not I just go ahead and give it a try? But my self-convincing skills won. I'm sorry that my head tries to kill all your effort and try to keep my heart safe.
You moved one step forward, and I moved two steps backwards.
What happened to that me back then? Haha.
It's a struggle. But maybe, maybe four years would let me walk towards you. Maybe four years could convince me, just give it a try, even if it ended badly, I already expected that anyway...
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