Wood.

I'm sitting here waiting for him to come. Without turning on the fan, but I'm not sweating at all. What am I thinking?

I'm thinking bout how I used to feel waiting for him to come. I used to be so happy. So happy I get excited so I sweat even when the aircon is on. I get so happy, I kept smiling, and I couldn't wait.

But now, I'm just sitting here. Why are you so late. Ugh. You told me to get ready ten mins ago, which means I could've peed just now. I'm actually not excited, but I'm worried. I know he couldn't affect my whole day anymore. He can frustrate me for five mins that's all....

We went for this meal, then hogged a seat at tealive for hours. There he turned on his laptop, and started searching, comparing, analyzing. I can't believe he hard sold his uni, but strongly convinced me to go there. It sounds great. It sounds awesome.

What else do you want to ask.

I'm scared to not get a job here in this country.

He said I would. As long as the flame is there, I will work my hardest to get it. I had shitty results for AS because, I couldn't focus. Because I had too much negativity.

Have you ever looked in the mirror and see how much negative you have made yourself?
Yeah. I did.

I did. I swear I wanna cry. But I looked at his face, he looks sad, too. He told me, to stop talking about fucking depressed stuff and make myself happier, cuz it's the negativity that blocked my way. I'm stucked there because of this distraction.

"And I believe you are more capable than that!"

Am I?

Then he did this body check up for me. Here he goes with his physio stuff. It went great because... He said I'm actually okay, everything normal except the spine. Maybe a born-with scoliosis.

It was going okay. He dropped me in my house because it rained heavily. Then I went for my bag and there was a box tucked in.

This is the delivery he talked about.

My birthday gift.
A clover pendant necklace and a pair of earphones, with a letter. 

The letter kills every part of me. I'm thankful for finally knowing parts of his thoughts. But it was sad to know, as I'm not going to do anything anymore.

I'm so sorry for that, wood.

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