Wood

I like how ET was being so honest with me. From the last last time we drank, and the last time we drank, and today when he sent me back. Thank you for helping me to have a better view of what situation I'm in.

Today we went for badminton. There was ten of us, two courts. I got there first, then Loong, then pineapple and her colleague, then wood. I can't really face wood. Idk how to look at him. So I left pineapple with him. Loong and I went in first. It was awkward. I was nervous, uncomfortable. Everything. I wanna shout out to Loong, please stretch faster so we can warm first. But he was just bouncing around, and here I go, warming up with wood. Still nervous. There was five of us, so I ran away before anything could happen and let them four play.

Pooh! It's been awhile since I met her. Medic too, and the Crisp. After awhile, wood did tried to kill the tension. He was being crazy and just... noisy. I found myself always walking away from him. I walked away, to a distance that he couldn't talk to me. I walked away but my mind was messed up. I kept thinking. I had to do this, do not get friendly with him, do not let him screw up my day. Do not let myself have the thought of going back to him.

I'm gonna mention this for sure. Pineapple's colleague brought a friend, Hang. He was god!! So rare to see legends like this. We had one match that I partnered him while wood partnered pineapple, and we had them under ten. It was... Wow. I'm dead.

Anyways after that we went for food. I'm thankful wood disappeared before I could nicely ask him if he wants to join. It was awkward, I didn't even want him to join.

Who wants me?
Your shifu, your shifu would always want you.
Lol

It was so cute how pineapple reacted when we were sitting too far away. I got her updated all of the shitty recent stuff. I think she understands, like 100% of it. Honestly. I don't even know if there's anyone out there who could give me the reaction I needed. I told her I'm doing this to this person, and the reason, I'm doing that to that person, and the reason. She said, she thought I'm doing it right, and she used to do that too. I'm becoming her. I'm pushing everyone away like how she used to.

Long ago, as a friend, seeing my bestie doing this to guys, I thought, she's toxic to guys. She's definitely a great friend but not the one that guys would like to date. I thought she was a heartbreaker, which doesn't affect me so I wouldn't mind. But would worry about my male friends that have intention towards her.

Why can't you two go back together?
Because... because, you know why.

So am I like that? Now? Am I toxic to guys? Just because I don't have the ability to accept someone...... I think I've been wrong seeing her that way. Maybe she didn't want to do that too... Maybe, her first ever love did so much damage to her that she's become so cold blooded. (Well I dont know her past love life cuz there was a time pineapple and I got distant, no idea why)

Otw home, ET told me that wood seems to have habits being overly touchy to me. I agree on that. I did told him to stop, but maybe I wasn't looking serious enough?

"Probably because you hasn't let go of him yet."

So here I am, texting you, telling you what's going on in my head. I feel accused when you thought I've ruined everything. I felt that you ruined everything too. Probably we had a communication problem. Yeah, I hate you mentioning me with people because I still have you in my head. You still matter so I don't want you insisting shits about how I am with other people. I don't care if it's stupid, and I'm not telling you that. I told you I hated it and will ignore you whenever you do this, you still did it. So who ruined it? Me, because I still have you in my mind? Or you? I don't care who ruined it, look at how things went, again and again, life proved that you and I cannot go together even as a friend. So accept it! I'm gonna tell you to stop the habits. I'm gonna tell you, to let us just stay awkward so NO MORE stupid drama would happen.

Habits can kill. Being overly attached to you made me this stupid person right now. It made me unable to be with people without worrying the worst. Habits made me fucked up for such a long time, so if it gives an illusion that things may work, then stop. I've stopped all my habits towards moon. You should fucking respect my decision for wanting us to stay awkward, won't you? Habits. Just you texting me with a super nice tone made me had the thought that we might go back together. Am I stupid or what? Look what you can do to me. I'm done.

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