No regrets

I'm constantly thinking bout the convo with pineapple just now. Oh gosh she sure made me excited for life! Again and again, lol.

Trips. ET just talked to me about trips. That day when he sent me home. It sure sounds awesome. Sounds really fun.

Sometimes these friends I have makes me wanna grow up faster, to be able to earn and get the ability to be responsible for my own damn drinks. Who uses '150 per month! It's not even enough if I just badminton...... Not enough at all......

She then gave me a crazy question. They asked me something similar that day at naughty belly.  I'm not gonna tell who are my top three. But. I feel like I'm mad. Because deep down, I know that Wood's still in my top three. Even when I don't want him anymore, even when the love is gone. I still do want him to be living, happy and smiling healthily. Is that normal? Sometimes I wanna say, I'm glad it happened. Sometimes, I hate that it happened.

Maybe at another dimension, I'm still with him? How would that look like? Will I get into KBU and get to know this new bunch of people? If I'm still with him... There's a 99% chance I'd listen to his advices on college and uni. Cuz duh his convincing skills win all the time. If I'm still with him, I wouldn't get to know Moon, Loong, ET, and everyone else. I wouldn't have new badminton squads. I wouldn't get to know this very cool doctor. I wouldn't get to try different types of beers, soju, sakes, I wouldn't get to learn these types of games. I wouldn't have the first time throwing up from drinking. I wouldn't start knowing people this huge difference from my age, and listen to advices this crazy wise.

I want to convince myself, it doesn't matter if It with him or not, I can't ever trade anything for this life I have right now. Somehow I'm thankful we ended. I'm thankful wood dumped me to let me have a new crazy life ahead that I'd be looking forward all the time. Look at me. Look at my previous drafts.

I remember how often I used to throw myself in bed, burry my face into my pillows just to scream and cry and make sure no one else sees me like that. I remember how I've told myself again and again, how could we break up, what about all the promises, what about the memories, what about us? I remember, I'd tell myself, please, yh, don't ever fall in love anymore, don't ever trust any single person. The greater he seems, the worse it'll make me. If he makes me feel good, stay away from him.

The voices are still there, but it's fading bit by bit.

Idk since when, but it's quieter.
I'm not sure if it's a good thing, but... Yeah. I guess it is. The negative thoughts aren't winning. Yeah sometimes exam gets me, period gets me, but. When the pain subsides, I'm all madly happy again.

Lcw told me that I sound giddy AF. Lol. Idk but. I'm definitely excited for life, time to time. I should be studying rn but ah let me just blog a little.

Life is so good. It's exciting. It's crazy. Maybe it's a good thing one break up made me hit rock bottom. Maybe it's a good thing. Cuz now I can see better. I thought, I dw to tell much about it. Cuz it's just my stupid issue that no one understands. But they do. They know, even when I didn't tell. I can see who are the ones that really really do care. I see the way they care, and.. it means everything. The things they said. I'll remember them forever.

Maybe he'll always be in the top three. But I guess that's okay. He'll always be my very first love. And I don't regret for whatever happened. Everything happens for a reason. I guess this is our fate.

Thanks, wood. For the love you gave, for taking it back, then.... The present me you help create. It means everything.

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