.

I can't believe this. Mom bought clothes for us. It's Tshirts again, but.... Nice Tshirts. I look hideous tbh. I was putting on those clothes, thinking why this couldn't match that. Why this couldn't match this. Why ? I have to go shopping. I need blue jeanish shorts, maybe that could go well.

But then again if I think hard... I already have them. I just couldn't fit in them. Honestly, if I have that fucking perfect body, everything would match everything. Fuck.

All I have to do is fucking lose weight. Yeah. I don't need to buy anything. Just fucking lose weight.

I have to admit, I'm getting fat. Day by day, I never really controlled my diet. I started ab workout from YESTERDAY right after weighing myself. Fuck this! I don't get how my motivation died.

It's worst when people you never met for a long time says that you're fat behind your back. Hey. I rather you say it directly to me, that would make a deeper stab, maybe you'd make me quit supper ever since.

Or maybe all I have to do is just......

Quitting beer.

I think it's fucking sad. When you discovered another thing that you really like, but you couldn't continue to like it. It makes me fat, as fast as spaghetti does, but then again, if I workout daily, can I still drink?

To think of it, I've only known ET and Loong for probably around nine months. Fuck. That's not long at all. But it felt like I've known them for so long. Probably because we often meet up. So I've started drinking for seven months.

I think it's inevitable tho. Everything in life lingers around that. Not gonna explain how and why. Oh well today I had a realization.

Every Wednesday after class I'd walk to the end of the row of shops, and sit there. There was nothing much, just a kopitiam with terrible food. I'd read my book, and play my phone. There'd be two person hanging around too, each constant Wednesday. Well today they told me to go over and sit with them. I went, so we talked.

They work in the pub. It's pretty obvious, cuz the guy wears a Tshirt with "Asahi" printed there. The people around there drinks a lot. I'm not joking. The whole fucking row of shops,,,, half of them are bars and bistros. Even when it's not, you can get alcohol easily there. There's even a shop called "Wine kaki". A very cool place. Whenever I passed by, the entire shop is decorated with wine bottles. It's filled with wine! Fucking high end shits. 

I remember when I was little, dad said these places are dangerous. Only adults are allowed to enter. Now I know, that's not exactly true. Lol. You still get to see older peeps struggling to open the whiskey box. You get to see peeps just drinking sparkling juices or tea. There's even a cupcake shop, and a CAT CAFE. I should visit there someday. But I felt like it's not possible anymore. I'm going away.

Many things aren't possible anymore.

Sometimes I'd imagine myself in uni, staring at the walls just because I couldn't blend in. What if I couldn't blend in? Before I went to college, I was so afraid at the same thing, I took every opportunity to go out with them. It was like... Like a business meet thingy. Maybe this is why I never really got super close besties like those from highschool? Maybe this is why. Maybe I just didn't let my heart connect with theirs. I suck. Ugh.

But then again, I will get new friends. Maybe I have to trust people. People are gonna betray us. They'd judge us. But this is a good risk. Right? At least there is a chance of getting true friends. Why am I thinking so much?

There are people I care about right now. People that makes me appreciate the time being here rn. Come on. I'll get a new life there and I'll enjoy it. Maybe I won't miss here so damn bad.

They aren't gonna fade away. We'd still play badminton. They'd still invite me along to drink. We'd go out randomly for supper, or maybe just to talk and talk and talk. We gonna singk, we're gonna have fun.

Fucking oblivious. Why am I like this. Zzz ish.

Today's badminton is like the second last time with them. It makes me fucking sad tho. Even tho I don't know this weds squad so well. They're still nice, if we notice.

There's organizer, his sister, Sing, Z, Jef. I'm probably never seeing them soon after I start degree. Haih. Ish. They've played for 10 years, I asked. So 3 years aren't that long. I'll be gone for a bit, but I'll be back every sem break, every tiny holiday. And it'll be awesome.

Gah. Stahp ok sleep.

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