.
I remember the days I swallowed my pride, to text wood, to show him lots of sincerity. To show him that I'll be waiting. I care, and I'm here if he needs me.
I get short replies. "K" or just "Seen". Seen without replies is a reply itself. It's another way of saying "I don't give a fuck about how you feel so look at me not bothering, and stop texting me".
He was such a dick. Sometimes I don't even get affected anymore. It's like it doesn't hurt so much. But no, what fuck. It hurts damn much.
He must be busy. He must be having exams. He must be having discussions. He must be stressed. He must be tired. I'm probably bothering him like crazy. Yeah. He's not that mean, I know him. He's not like that. Stress makes him like that. He'll be nice when he chills amd get some rest.
Haha loads of bullshit I've said to myself just to make myself feel slightly better. Guess what? No. Nope. I know what he does in the weekends. He goes for movie marathons at home. Still, the same attitude. Wood hated me, he can't handle my bullshit, so he K'ed me. He want me to fuck off immediately.
Sometimes I thought he used to be selfish. It's very funny. You want a secure future for us, so you treat me like crap. Ohhhh legit reason, hahaha. So go on, secure your future. At the same time, screw up mine. Hahahha.
But what did I expect? I'd like to think, being busy isn't an excuse to be an asshole.
Like you could've told me in one sentence.
Hey I'm busy these few months and I wont reply you in seconds.
Something like that will do. Remember half blood prince? I have no idea how he lives, but he replies messages about six hours later. It confused me but I got used to it. That's no problem for me.
You could've told me, hey I still want you, but we had a hard time for the past few months so I just wanna think things out and hope then we can improve.
Well you didn't. You left me all alone to think, to fuck myself up, to become this piece of shit that has NO TENDENCY TO LIVE NORMALLY ANYMORE. Hahaha. And you regret. You could've told me what you were thinking. But you fucking made me lost all this hope.
I think history might repeat itself. Hah.
Guess what, moon. You could just give up on me. Cuz I would assume. I would sense some changes in your tone, then fuck myself up. I would feel that you're tired of me, like I'm tired of myself. I would want you to go away. Leave and just stay happy, without that tone changed. Cuz you're better off without the presence of me. You don't have to say anything. I'll feel it.
I used to think telling you stuff works. it doesn't work anymore. Cuz you don't care. You'd wait until the my craziness ends. You'd leave me alone to fuck myself up even if it's because of you. And I hate that.
I wish I don't care. I don't wanna care. I don't wanna give any shit when I sense any change in tone. I don't wanna give shit when one day you get tired and leaves.
I'm half dead, cuz I still do, go crazy at times. I want to be completely dead, so I can bare with any of you temporary people leaving my life! I want to don't give shit. Is that so hard?
I don't want my bed anymore. I don't want to just lie in bed and let the thoughts drown me. I want to be happy. I want to just say "fuck this, fuck that." Then let the shits happen, but I can't.
I wasted enough of your time, money and effort. I wasted your youth. I gave you slight hope. And I'm sorry about that. I should've known best, that I don't know how to be with someone anymore.
Leave. All of you, leave.
Let me alone, free me. Please?
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