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The thing I hate the most about myself, is when shits happened, I'd literally sit there and do nothing, and think of the issue for so fucking long I think I probably lost my mind. Am I that free? No. Am I having other stuff to rush? Definitely. And still! Look at me.
What I hate about myself giving shit.
When bad things happen, I want to turn off wifi, But I know someone's at the other side being unhappy. How can I turn off wifi? I want to close all the apps, including WA. But that way, I wouldn't receive notifications. And that's scary. I want to turn off my phone, But I don't wanna do that at the same time.
This is what happened regularly, for the past one and a half years! It's fucking FANTASTIC! Would I like to feel that and go through that again? HAHA DEFINITELY.
It was pure torture. Self torture, okay? Cuz I want to be like you guys. You people, who has the ability to leave someone alone at the other side, leave them to die, leave them to overthink until the situation can NEVER ever be the same anymore. Leave them to cry and cry and cry until you change them completely, you change them into someone you never know. I wanna be heartless enough to do that! Then I wouldn't give any fucking shit, I wouldn't even tell you how I feel rn because it doesn't matter!
I feel like I left you at the other side, sad and thinking. But I don't want you feeling like that, while. I'm here, trying to talk. At the end it'll always be me looking fucked up and desperate. Cuz I ruined shits! Okay? I'm fucked up ALL THE TIME! I don't want to be with you and make you handle all this bullshit! Cuz I want to get used to being sad alone without expectations. I don't wanna have hopes that someone I need would suddenly pop out, but turned up that person didn't. I don't wanna depend on someone's shoulders. I don't wanna be that weak shit. I have to be alone.
I remember the days I wasn't like this. I told yip man, how much I missed wood. Every day, every hour. I was so crazy. I was madly blinded by those fantasies. I can never miss someone like that, ever. I can never love the same. Being crazy kills! IT KILLS.
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