Badminton 5 hours

Honestly my mind is so messed up, but I'm speechless af. 

"Do you want to let go?" 

You do know what to ask, what to ask to make me quiet. Do I?

Badminton was crazy today. Really crazy. Two and a half hours training, three hours for fun. Training was crazy already. I slept late because I was rushing to erase everything off the books. Good news I've sold two of my A levels books. Three to go, probably very hard tho. Arrogant was so lazy. Hmph, he drank from my bottles because he forgot to bring his. But his hotspot was life savior. Training wasn't good. 8 matches, 3 wins. 5 loses, lost 2 matches from one same guy. Ugh it was so close! Then I lost to the little girl? Damn. That was freaking embarrassing, but she got me. A very great liar. I mean. Her shots were tricky, so yeah. Sed. Coach wasn't here, so we did different stuff. It wasn't that fun. Aw. But still tiring af. I think my thighs died after training. The next three hours I'd die. 

ET picked me up thanks to the very kind arrogant. Second round was crazy. 3 hours! I trashed Sean. Sorry bro. Then, AM and I beat doctor and MJ. IT WAS SO AWESOME! Damn. I think my smashes were ok today. Only hit the net about once or twice? And some drops were on point. Satisfied. Loong was tired af today. Sorry man. My smashing form wasn't always good so I had to make use of it. He was damn exhausted. Honestly everyone was pretty tired at the end. Cuz some of them left early. Hah. Awesome. But I think I'm not gonna play like that next time. Hmm. I freaking sprained my left ankle twice, and the arm problem came back. Damn it. 

Then Loong, ET and I ate dinner. 

That's when the scary topics blurted out. They talked about marriages! Damn. Actually I've thought about that before. I've thought about what would happen when the entire ET squad gets married. Then the squad will...... split? It's such a depressing thing to think about, but not exactly depressing. Hey you guys are building a family, building a home. It's cool, it's nice. Nothing depressing. Just that... Friends disappear like that, right ? I don't wanna grow up. It would be so awesome if I stay 19. I'll keep stressing over little things. They'd have fun all the time. How awesome is that? It's just not that awesome for me cuz... I'd be here looking for badminton lovers. I'd be empty without you guys, but that's definitely inevitable. I'll just... Appreciate whatever fun we can have for now, so it'll make great memories I guess...... Still depressing. Ugh. I'm gonna miss them a lot. Like really a lot. 

I remember when we first know each other. ET said he could make me fall for him if he wants. *silently judging*, I thought, I don't trust you. When he said, hey bring your friends in. I also thought, I don't trust this squad yet. Over time, I do. Haha. Not the whole squad, but maybe just ET and Loong. I've brought pineapple in. I brought my ex in. I trust you people, in terms of friends. It's rare to see bromance already. In terms of friends, you guys are good peeps. Okay? Argument invalid. Who would rush out just after receiving two words? "Accompany me." Who would do that? It's pure bromance man! This is what they do when one gets drunk. This is what they do, when shits happened. It's sweet. It's not bad at all. Why do guys wanna be bad? Crazy. It seems like their definition of bad is when it comes to relationships. The seriousness. Hmm.

I told them that recently, beer is irritating my stomach just right after few sips. They say it's normal, sometimes the form goes off. Uhm. Phew I thought something was wrong with me... 

Something was wrong with me tho. 

I'm getting better. Really. 

You said you're getting better but, let me ask you. Have you let go of your ex? Do you want to? 

I didn't give him any answer. I didn't say anything for the rest of the ride back home. Erm. 

Sometimes, I don't really understand how ET gets these things. I never really told him bout wood. I never told him much bout how it went, the entire year after the breakup. I rant a lot, but never to him. How does he know? Crazy. Do I want to let go? How did you know I didn't want to let go? He can make me open up the box. The only thing I want to put aside, he can make me flip tru and face the shits, until they are really completely gone. Do I want to let go ? 

It's alright you can think it tru, if it's not working then tell us, we can go out and talk, we can accompany you and you can let it all out. 

I want to let go. But I don't want to face it. I don't wanna open it up. You get what I mean? Why do I have to face shits that makes me sad if I finally can live in peace, even with the illusion that it's gone? It finally stopped affecting me, why should I face it again? 

When we broke up, I remember I had to put up a smile, because can't let parents know. 

Me too, you know, me too, man. 

To get straight A's you gotta work on it. To let go, you have to work on it too.

How ? 

I'm so messed up. 

He says he couldn't really advice on this past shit. But he'd be there, they'd be there from now on. 

"Thank you." 

"Thank me by moving out of the sadness." 

Thanks ET. You are a keeper. 

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