Receiving help

It's saddening to see people around you being sad. Like all of them. When you start to rant, you rant and rant, suddenly they burst and start to rant too. The whole situations turned upside down, and you become the one who's trying hard to comfort her. Hey. Oh my god, this is bad. This sounds bad. I thought arrogant wasn't talking about recent stuff that day. Turned out it was so freaking recent I wasn't even updated with those issues yet.

Musically, tbh I'm almost as dead as you are. Three days practicing, bar chords aren't improving. I don't even know how to feel stressed out anymore! I know how I act when I'm stressed. Definitely not this chillax. I do understand what you meant when it comes for playing the wrong things even when you're freaking familiar with everything already. It's like me doing math. Oh my. Can I not recall that? Nightmare AF. I'm quite surprised I didn't shout the vulgar words when I drank. Too chill.

Bro you have time. At least you have time. Yes I think talking to me definitely wouldn't help. I mean, duh. You sounded so helpless. I'm sorry that I'm not born a motivator. You need wood's very motivational talks. Haha. I'm really sorry. Sometimes I would really wanna drive to your home and physically be there to cray with you. For a little bit of positivity. But I duno where you live now. Uh. I miss you bro. But thanks for telling. For allowing me to be one of your listeners. Ok pls be honoured, cuz... You're the one I text whenever I thought I couldn't blog about stuff, whenever I thought...... Blogging helps no more. Just cuz you're this awesome and I wouldn't want this friendship to slip away easily.

It takes a lot of courage I guess. For someone to trust another. To trust crazily like how I trust you. My sister said, it scares her, she wouldn't let one person know totally EVERYTHING about her. I'm not sure. I already let you. So tbh you could easily backstab me. But I don't see why. Cuz you love me too right? <3

Back to main shit. Oops.

Not everyone allows you to help. I remember when one day I was depressed af. Everything triggered me. So at the end I ran to my bed crying. Haha. Fuck. Mom knew. She was asking me, why ? Why was I crying so hard? I told her, leave me alone. Can't you stop asking? Because I don't wanna tell. I don't wanna tell. I told her again and again, with a very fucked up state, please just please leave me alone. Then she said, if I'm still with wood, she'd know that we quarrelled, but we broke up so what's the matter? That's the matter! We broke up! (Obviously I didn't tell her that.) I never told her. I never told her how the pain lasted for an entire year. I'm sorry mom. She was so worried. I felt really bad tho. It's just. A personal thing I don't want to let my family know. My sister never seen my cry from the break up, so she assumed I was always perfectly fine. Little does she knows, she kills me. She kills me by teasing me. So easy to fake a smile, a laugh. It was so easy. But I had to, right? Because I couldn't and can never appear vulnerable in front of her. Man up. I've got to do that.
I wouldn't let mom help. And dad never asked. Dad never been through much stuff tbh. Mom was dad's first love. It was sweet they lasted this long and still staying strong.. sis never dated anyone, she doesn't understand. I never told them because.... Just because.

I really hate myself when I overthink. Is that necessary? Yes! No! Sometimes I was right! ... But... Haiz. I'm sorry for taking each and every reply too seriously. That was annoying right? Maybe I wasn't comfortable enough with you like I was comfortable enough with yip man, pineapple they all. Maybe I was just too prepared for you to leave. I didn't have confidence in us. I even talked to yip man to rant and asked what to do about us. It's different cuz I don't see myself talking to pineapple bout what to do with yip man, or vice versa. It's just I duno...... Maybe just because you used to like me. And I thought it all would change right after that feel leaves. I thought, when I'm no longer your crush, I'm nothing left.

Didn't all cases end like that? Look what happened to all the boys that confessed to me. They disappeared. Hahaha. Dream talked to me once in a blue moon, same for Iv, at least we talked like old friends. Jin disappeared completely, that crazy ass Mba junior too disappeared. Only gabba remained a close friend for some time then disappeared. Wood became my ex, which then disappeared because it was necessary. Overall everyone disappeared. Ha. It's inevitable for me to think that you'd disappear too right? ...... I'm truly sorry.

Maybe you're different.

"Maybe you're different." I told myself that when I dated wood. Haha. Honestly I lost faith in guys when I saw none of my friends' relationships lasted. But I kept telling myself, wood was different. Wood was different. Wood was still different, because we broke up in a very stupid way, which is stupid. But... Inevitable. I shall stop using it.

Im sorry that I'll always expect you to leave. Still.

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