Friends

Obviously I have too much time to think about stuff nowadays. Holidays can kill. It eats up our minds, and force us to deep think about stuff that might not even exist. Do they? I don't even know anymore.

Friendship.

It's scary af. You give someone everything. You might not get treated the same way. You treat her as your bestie for many many years, but she quietly thinks that this friendship is dying. At the end it takes some time for her to realize, it was herself which wasn't giving enough effort. It takes some time for her to realize that actually they both love each other.

"He's one of my best bros. " But did he think the same? We never know. People getting involved in his life would know. I know. Being at the side slowly seeing things happen, wow that was sad. You never know.

Did I done something wrong to you? I don't understand. Maybe recently I've not been telling you much, so you didn't wanna tell back. But honestly. Ok? Ok????? Is that it? Did I done something really wrong to you??? I'm really confused.

During one particular period, I was like a prideless idiot. I allowed wood to treat me like I'm not more than a fucking tree. I allowed that. It fucking sucks when you try to talk, you wanna ammend, but you get nothing. You get zero replies, a word reply, a letter reply. K.

Wood I really need to talk to you.
*Seen*
Oh it's nothing! It sure gave me endless nights. It gave me loads of shits to rethink. It made me want to really punch the damn wall and ask myself seriously, why can't he just talk to me? I just wanna fix our relationship, why can't communication solve everything? Why he doesn't even wanna try and give us a little chance? Why did he do that? Why can't ge just let me in??? Am I that terrible? Does he hate me that much that he can calmly watch me die like this?? He's killing me. I can't do this anymore. I got to give up. No. Maybe he's just busy? I'm probably too annoying... I'm tired. Why is that I couldn't study? Why is he always on my mind?

So many unanswered questions. Gone. I don't even care anymore. That prideless idiot died. But it still scares me. Wood was feeling hopeless in me. He acted that way because I was such an idiot. Who would wanna talk to a brainless idiot like that? Just let her die.

Am I thinking too much? Or did I really done something wrong? I know I've done wrong lots of things. I know recently I've been a burden, a trouble. Why would you wanna tell me? Do you regret for letting me know things? Do you regret for introducing me to your friends? Take it back. Take me back to where I belong. What are you thinking?? I shouldn't even ask. I can't even ask anymore. Well, I deserve to sit here and frustrate until I stop living.

I want to ask you. Am I one of your closest friends? I thought I was. I thought I am. So I was wrong? At the same time, what are you to me? Why do I care? How can I let shits happen if I do? I'm sorry for not telling you much recently. I didn't want you to know a lot of stuff. I didn't want to give you more shits to think about. Is that wrong? Or what is it, why "Ok"?

....... Fuck.

I don't understand why, why is it such a struggle to start a convo? Why is it hard to just ask, "how was the interview?" Why can't I ask, "How's your friend? Is he getting better?" Why do I not dare to ask these stuff now? Why Ok? Why is it so hard to get information out from you? Are you tired of me? Or did you think I did something wrong behind your back or what? What can I tell? I only have my friends, and your friends. If they really are your friends, why are you afraid of letting them know about anything??? Plus... I don't even know what are secrets anymore. It's so hopeless. I'm fucked.

Again and again, dramatic shits happening. Hey yh. You should stop getting involved. Stop human connection. Or is that possible???? .... What did I do?

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