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I remember when he said he wasn't feeling well, and that he has a bad back pain. I thought it was nothing, because he, as a very professional badminton player, he always had back pain. He said it was the damn dent in the mattress, so I said, sleep on the sides, sleep on the damn yoga mat I borrowed him earlier. He said, it was different. The next day he went home, and he was getting fever and all those shit pains. I wasn't reacting much, there was nothing I could do. I just told him, drink aloooooot of water and rest more. He said, it was different. I myself was busy preparing for form5 exams. Probably trials. Yeah, spm trials.
When he said suspect dengue, I was down. There overlapped a holiday, I don't remember what holiday it was. So I went to his place. He greeted me with a hug, and a kiss. He was at the living room, mostly napping. I was beside him, flipping my chemistry success reference book, but I couldn't pay attention. Then I only focused on changing the cloths and ice packs on his forehead. Changing positions, sometimes positioned it on the neck, and making sure it wasn't there for too long. His eyelashes are long, and pretty. I loved watching him nap, but not watching him sick. It kills me. I sat on the couch with him, in the same damn position until my legs numb, then I tiptoed to the refrigerator for another one. I remember, I kissed him on his lips, and told him to please just make me sick, then it wouldn't be dengue. Dengue can't be passed on tru saliva. I didn't get the fever tho.
I was back to school, still worried. And when I get home, I saw his texts. He was brought to the ER. He didn't update much. He said, the results were out and it was dengue positive. I sat on the corner on my room, pouring. Idk what I can do. I want to be by his side. But I didn't have a license and car at that time. It was unbearable. I want to be there but I couldn't. I was thinking, should I take a cab there? What can I do? I just don't know.
Everyday I texted him. I miss him, I begged him to get well. Every once awhile, I asked him, how are you feeling? Are you ok? You feeling better? He didn't say much. He was annoyed. He told me to stop asking him these stuff. He couldn't understand the helpless I was feeling. It kills me. I'm sorry for asking too many times. I was worried. I care. And I want you to be well, wood.
Suddenly it was Friday. Mom agreed to bring me to visit him. I don't remember how it went. But I remember when I first saw him, he was so pale. I was happy to finally be there with him. There was the IV sticking in. I asked him, does it hurt? He said, a little. He told me how dengue virus invades the host. He told me, how it enters the body then invades the host. He had dengue once when he was very little. He said, when that happens, the antibodies thought that the virus was the same. But it wasn't. The antibodies try to eat up the virus using the same way but they couldn't, because it can't bind. So it takes longer time for the clonal selection to complete, then only an effective immune response could be made. This extra time could kill the host. The way he said it kills me inside out. He finished his story and I couldn't stare at him anymore. I turned to the drapes. I stared at the windows, and told myself. Come on yh, don't cry. Don't cry he's just there. He's there. He told me to sit with him on the bed. I ran to the bathroom to wash my face, and returned to sit next to him. Then I hugged him, it was such a long hug, but I didn't wanna let go. I want hugs to last forever. I loved hugs so much, it felt like everything was gonna be fine. It felt like he was so close to me, and I could smell him, feel his heartbeat. He kept saying, that he's still hanging on, that he will try to recover. I wet his short sleeves. It was fucking terrible. I called mom and dad, and asked if I could stay there in the hospital with him, overnight. They said no. I was really upset. But I couldn't do anything.
I stayed with him long, then I went home. Mom asked me about him. Mom and grandma were sitting at the front seats. I spoke, and cried without sound. It probably sounded like I just spoke, but did they notice? I have no idea. Mom probably did. She talked to jiu2 about it, and told me what he said. He was always very calm, so he made it sound like it was no big deal. That night, mom said, "So are you feeling better now?"
The next day was a Saturday I think. I went to training without him. Then after that I went to the hospital again, with my reference books. There I was with him again. It was so great when the doctor entered and told us, "Good news, your platelets are rising." I couldn't describe anymore, hahaa. It was the best day of my life. He said, "You've won back your lifetime partner!" I said, yeah, and that's why I'm gonna appreciate you for the rest of my life.
I guess he would never know how scared I was, of losing him. Up to now, our conversation almost always ended with "Don't let the mosquitoes bite you."
Honestly. Typing all this gave me a realization.
That's how much I used to love him. And did it stop? Mentioning this made me miss him, so madly rn. I miss him.
When was the last time I blogged out of frustration just because I missed him? I have no idea. It's been a long time...
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