.

I fucking hate this shit. Sometimes I question myself, why do shits keep happening? These recently. I've got off a plane. I've got back from several trips. I'm fucking thankful that I have a perfectly normal fam and a grandma who can cook so well, so well that I'm happily willing to turn down dinner night outs with some friends that I might not even see them ever again.

When life gives you different choices. You get to choose. You feel like you've been distant from being away so much, you miss squad A. You get to choose, squad A or squad B. You do know that you're almost never gonna see squad B anymore. So which one?

I miss grandma's dishes, but I miss them all too, birthday meals are still on. But am I doing too much? Are they necessary?

My mind tells me to keep the shits to myself. Stay out of business, stay happy, stay contained. I was pretty bored after all those trips. I kept thinking bout the things I should've done. I'm supposed to be reading up on new syllabuses. I'm supposed to be looking up on interns just in case. I'm not supposed to miss anyone else who's been living their life busily.

But sometimes, shits come to us. They give you a pair of teary eyes, begging you for help when you know there is nothing you can do. They force your nose out and yell for help. They make your blood boil and put you into a situation where you say something wrong and you get all the blame. I didn't even say anything.
I'm supposed to be fucking sad to leave home cuz I would miss them all. I'm supposed to be spending the time super fucking wisely just so I know I do a good job appreciating all of them friends and fam. But can you believe it? I can't wait! I can't wait to leave! I thought I was scared. Scared that I might be too antisocial and not get any super duper close friends like how it went in A levels. I'm supposed to be scared of the dark, scared of sitting alone just because I've been watching too much horror movies that I pee being fucking alert at all times.

I can't wait to leave. You know?

Mom. I know you have a fucking fucked up tough life. But partly, that's your fault! You don't have to do this. You don't have to stick your nose out of everything and blame yourself when life aren't going the way it should be ! So leave it. Love is a choice. Maintaining a relationship is a decision. Dad is a fucking boss. He wouldn't let go pride for anything. You don't tell me your shits. Cuz I can't fucking help you. You will ruin my idea of forever, oh wait you don't even have to, cuz my EX did that already. Nothing's gonna last forever so leave it. So accept it. Stop telling me. I can't help you. I can't help the way grandma is mean to your mom too. I can't help. Yes indeed you feel helpless. And when you tell me, you fuck up my day, that's all. Stop. Let me go.

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